I'm Getting Quite Good at Writing Suppressed-Emotion Emails

In my married student ward, I am called as a visiting teaching supervisor. This is ironic, because I hate visiting teaching, and I hate using phones. I have had this calling for eight months now. My duties include gathering all reports from the fourteen girls in my district, compiling them into one big report, and submitting it to the girl in charge of all visiting teaching. This happens once a month. The problem with this is gathering the reports. The fourteen girls in my district are supposed to call me when they have finished their visiting teaching and give me a report. They don't. So I have to call them. They don't answer their phones, they don't return calls. Some of them don't even so their visiting teaching.
In recent months, I have made a breakthrough: I now harass the via email. This has worked better for the last two months, but I still have to ask for the reports, then beg them for the reports, and I still have to call four or five girls at the end of them because they never reply.
This month I have a problem. Drek on I are going on a much needed vacation on April 29. I refuse to be worrying about visiting teaching reports while I am on vacation. I refuse! Thus, I wrote an email yesterday:

Sisters,

We have 14 women in our district that we need to uplift, strengthen, befriend, and teach. It is a calling given to us by God, as women of his church. We are called to be visiting teachers, and then to return and report. Each of you are specifically assigned to 2 sisters. These 2 sisters are in your care. You are responsible for uplifting their souls, and making their burdens light. In D&C 1: 31 is says: "For I the Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance;" Not doing your calling is a sin. In 1 Ne. 15: 34 it says: "But behold, I say unto you, the kingdom of God is not filthy, and there cannot any unclean thing enter into the kingdom of God; wherefore there must needs be a place of filthiness prepared for that which is filthy." That place prepared for the filthy is called Hell, sisters. And that's where you will be going if you do not do your visiting teaching and report back to me.
Last month, 5 of the 14 sisters in our district were not uplifted. They were not strengthened, they were not befriended, they were not visit taught. 5 of the 14. Why is this? It's not that hard, sisters! Each of you has a functioning, willing companion to help you out with this. I got my visiting teaching done, every month, for the last eight months, with no help from my companion, who's pregnancy is making her so sick, she can't answer a cell phone, an email, or even her front door. I can get my visiting teach done, so why can't you?
Technically, all sisters should be visited by the 25th of every month. All reports should be reported by the 25. That is in 12 days. Not counting today, you have 12 days (one of those being a Sunday!) to save your immortal souls by visiting teaching and reporting back. I know it's finals. I know you are busy, I know they are busy. So is Satan. Hell is full of busy people.
Do your visiting teaching. Email me your report by the 25. If you have not reported by the 26th, my report will say you failed to do your visiting teaching, and then I will come and hunt you down, and kill you, and you will go straight to hell, because you did not do your calling!!!!

Not kidding around,
-K la


Alas, in my church, there is an unwritten rule that all sisters must be "bubbly" to each other. At all times, all phone calls, all messages, all emails, must sweet and happy. Drek said the above email was probably not fitting these requirements, so this is the actual letter I sent out:

Sisters,

Happy Sunday!
We have 14 women in our district that we need to uplift, strengthen, befriend, and teach. It is a calling given to us by God, as women of his church. We are called to be visiting teachers, and then to return and report. In "True To The Faith" it says: As you visit and serve your assigned sisters, take the time to teach the gospel and nurture friendships. In addition to serving individuals, you can play an important role in strengthening families."
Last month, 5 of the 14 daughters of God in our district were not uplifted. They were not strengthened, they were not befriended, they were not visit taught. 5 of the 14. We can do better!!
Technically, all sisters should be visited by the 25th of every month. All reports should be reported by the 25. That is in 12 days. Not counting today, you have 12 days (one of those being a Sunday!) to build the Kingdom of God by doing your visiting teaching and reporting back. I know it's finals. I know you are busy, I know they are busy. Please make the time. You will be blessed and they will be blessed.

Have a wonderful April!
-K La

Bubbly enough? Maybe not, but that's all the emotion I could suppress.