So Come What May

So, here were my 2009 goals. Let's see how many of them I completed, shall we?

Spiritual:
-Write in my gratitude journal everyday, right before I get out of bed in the morning. If I do, I will be grateful for more things!

At the beginning of the year I did great. I did great right up until the time I found out I was pregnant, and all writing stopped. Pregnancy was hard for me. The emotional part really did me in. I stopped writing in my gratitude journal because my emotions were so very intense and so very conflicting.

-Index 1,000 documents. If I do, I get to find and book a trip to Ireland to find my family history.

Hah! I forgot I set that as a goal. Whoops.

Physical:
-Run a Marathon. So, train for a fast 5k, then train for a 10K, then train for a marathon. If I do, I will be really proud of myself.

Yeah. Pregnant.

Mental:
-Work on Spanish everyday. If I do, Drek and I are going to spend May 5th in Mexico, speaking with the locals

I didn't work on it everyday, but I did work on it. Ever since August I've done great working Spanish. Alas, May 5th came with the Swine Flu and dangerous gang violence in Mexico, so Drek and I had no desire to travel.

Financial:
-Have enough money saved for a down payment on a house. If I do, we can put a down payment on a house (some of these rewards are really easy to come up with).

Um...actually I think we did okay on this one. Considering the housing market had continued to plummet, and 2010 is supposed to be when the next housing bubble pops, I suppose that $10 we saved up will be more than enough for a down payment! Actually, we saved quite a bit. It might be a while before we get a house, though, so we'll have to wait and see whether it's enough.


Side notes:
Travel more. You only live once.
I hate the cold. I hate it. Next winter, I will not be here. I am moving even if it kills me, and if it kills me at least I will be warm.

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! This is the one I failed. FAILED! Where did I travel to? Well, actually, I went on an awesome spontaneous trip to St. George, and we went to Idaho quite a few times. It's not Egypt, but it is something. But I am, in fact, still here and not dead. I am spending another winter here. It's okay, though. I think can accept this and be positive about it.

2009 was, in some ways, the hardest year of my life. I am very grateful for 2009; For all it taught me and for all it gave me. Here is my very long and personal review;

At this time last year, I was pregnant and didn't even know it. On January 19th, I got my first positive on a pregnancy test. Even though Drek and I had been trying for a baby, I didn't actually think I could make one. Is that weird? I didn't think my body was capable of making a baby. It had never done anything spectacular before so why would it start now? Once I found out my body did, in fact, make a baby, I didn't think believe it could GROW a baby. After all, it didn't even tell me it was pregnant. I felt betrayed that I had to find out from a stick and not from my self. There was no way my body could grow a baby. No self confidence here. Thus, my reaction wasn't positive or negative, it was more of a "meh, I'll believe it when I see it."

The emotional ride kicked in right away. Almost instantly life became a crisis and I lost all ability to handle situations without getting very emotional. I took everything personally and over reacted to everything. This was very hard for me. I could see that I was crazy, but I couldn't do anything to stop it. For the first three months I also couldn't tell anyone why I was crazy, or why I was so very, very sick.

Drek and I started looking for a new apartment right away, a place with a washer and a dryer so I could cloth diaper, a place with room for the baby, and a place with a kitchen that didn't make me throw up every time I walked through it. We found such a place and I proceeded to pack and move the entire house, by myself, while pregnant and also freakishly sick. Kara left. I was also working full time.

I was in a car accident. I was mostly fine, but I began to cramp and bleed a little and I worried that I had hurt the baby. I called my OBGYN who told me there was nothing to be done so early in the pregnancy and I should come in when I was twelve weeks along. I didn't. I never went to that OBGYN.

Also during this time we found I my dad had cancer. Three, cancers, actually, two curable with chemo, and one not curable. My dad went on for treatment, had a terrible and near-fatal reaction and spent a while in the hospital not knowing who I was.

It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I was stressed up to my eyeballs still throwing up everyday. I learned how to trust in God to get me through the day. Drek was wonderful and we made it through. Life continued on.

We settled in to our new home, bought a washer and dryer and started planning the birth of our baby. I also started planning how I would announce my pregnancy. I decided to have a Pie Day Party and announce it there. After much planning, a lot of working around people's schedules and a lot of stress, everyone decided not to come to Pie Day. I shouldn't say everyone, Ismael was still coming, but no family. I was devastated. Because I was pregnant I took it very personally and overreacted. I felt isolated and alone. No one cared I was pregnant, no one was excited for the baby, and no one would be able to help out. Those feelings defined the rest of my pregnancy.

That was in March. Also in March I began to show. You would think strangers are more friendly to pregnant women, but I did not find this to be the case. I found people to be a lot meaner. I got a lot of dirty looks, especially once I was six months pregnant and carrying around my nine month old niece. I got out right glares at that point. It only worsened my feelings of isolation. As a result, I turned to my cat, Acouchi, who has gotten me through the worst times in my life. She always takes care of me.

April came with a lot of improvements. My morning sickness went away, my dad was doing better, Drek got me tickets to see Wicked, Jessi came to visit and I was spending a lot of time with Krisling now that we lived four minutes apart. At the end of April we found out Acouchi had hypothyroidism and thus began a very long and emotion saga that still isn't over.

May started with Rissy leaving for Japan and me deciding that I couldn't succumb to the overwhelming feelings of dependency I was feeling. I made a huge effort to become entirely independent. Who cares if I was pregnant? I could still stay out all night, lay sod, volunteer at the cannery, learn to bake, and still have a career. Once I established in my mind that being pregnant did not, in fact, equal uselessness, a drain on society and a waste of space, I felt much better about the whole thing. The snow had melted, the sun came out, and things were improving.

In June I took Acouchi in for her RIT treatment. She was gone for two weeks. I guess you could call this the breaking point. With my emotions in overdrive and my baby gone I fell into a deep depression. I took on a few projects to pull myself out of it and Drek and I set off for Durango Colorado for a family reunion. I had a good time despite my anxiety and complete lack of self confidence. I was still very shy and apologetic about being pregnant because I still felt that it wouldn't last, that I would miscarry.

We came home and so did Acouchi. She was happy, and getting healthy. My dad finished his chemo. I spent a lot of time with Krisling. Drek and I started a garden. I began to trust my body and believe (and hope) that I would actually have a baby. Everything in my life seemed to be improving, except work, which was getting worse. It got to be so bad that even though I loved my manager, my co-workers, and my job with all my heart, I could not stand the thought of working for/with my boss one more minute. I tried to quit (unsuccessfully) twice before finally making up my mind, calling up my courage, believing in myself enough to start a business and finally giving my notice.

July was wonderful. I gave up shampoo, Drek and I celebrated our two year marriage anniversary, Krisling was helping enter the society of mommies, I was enjoying summer, and best of all, I found out my sister and my sister in law was pregnant. Suddenly, I didn't feel like such an outcast. I had my last day of work (after working two years, the longest I have ever stayed at one job) and officially started my own business.

August was even better. Rissy was back from Japan and we spent a lot of time together before she left on her mission. I was privileged to take care of Drek's nine month old niece for a few weeks and I absolutely fell in love with her. She taught me so much and helped me feel more prepared for parenthood. Another sister-in-law became pregnant, giving my baby the opportunity to have wonderful cousins, just like I do.

September changed my life forever. My business became successful, My dad's two cancers were declared cured, Rissy left on her mission, and I had a baby. Labor was AWESOME. It is the only word I can think off to describe it. I really learned how to trust myself, my body and my instincts. You know what? My body is amazing. God really knew what he was doing. I finally got to meet the tiny person I had been carrying around for nine months. She was and is perfect. I love being her mom. I loved it from day one.

If I thought pregnancy emotions were bad, after-pregnancy emotions are horrendous. My midwife wasn't kidding when she said the third day would be hard. Between that, no sleep, and an inability to feed my new daughter, I broke down and cried. I cried for the first time in years. I cried and cried and cried. Poor Drek. He had to deal with so much. Even so, right away he became an amazing dad on top of being an amazing husband.

After that things were pretty much wonderful. Life continued on. My emotions returned back to the point were I can now handle life. The year ended with a few more trials, but mostly good and wonderful things. I made our Halloween costumes, I won NaNoWriMo, I met my new nephew, Josiah and got to take care of his sister again for a few days. I successfully cooked a dinner for twenty-four people, my sister had a beautiful baby girl and I even got to hold her. I ended the year with a fantastic party.

2009 gave me a purpose in life. Because of 2009 I have confidence in myself and, more importantly, I learned how to rely on and trust in God. I am so grateful for everything that happened this last year. I learned and grew so much. I am looking forward to what 2010 has to offer. Here are my goals;

-Speak Fluent Spanish.
A goal three years and counting.

-Run a Marathon.
It doesn't even have to be an official event. If I have to run alongside the freeway with nothing but myself to cheer me on, I will run a marathon.

-Write a Novel, Edit a Novel and Publish a Novel.
I may have finished NaNoWriMo, but I didn't finish my novel. I will finish it, I will edit, and then I will get it published.

I think I will also add write in my gratitude journal everyday and index 1,000 documents. Those were good goals from last year that I know I can do this year.

Happy 2010!

Maybe We Could Get Unstuck in the Present

I have always wanted to attend a New Year's Eve party. A real party, not just family gathered around talking about goals and watching the fireworks on TV. Alas, I was too young to go to the stake New Year's Eve parties, and by the time I was old enough they didn't have them. Ever. Until I was too old.

Most years I hang out with family. I have a good time, but it's never a party, and every year at midnight I feel slightly disappointed. One year I spent midnight in a crappy restaurant with my head bowed, trying not to cry into my drink (it's a very long and complicated story). It was the worst holiday ever. Ever since then, I associate New Year's Eve with Worst Holiday Ever.

This year looked like it wasn't going to be any different. I planned for Drek and I to head to a parent's house and play games, set goals, mingle and leave at 12:01. Nothing fancy. An enjoyable night, but not a great one.

Drek had a different idea. Right after Christmas he started complaining about all the driving we were doing. And he just kept complaining. At the same time, I had lunch with two of my friends. One friend was complaining about how she would spend New Year's Eve at bars with people she didn't like who would yell at her for nursing a beer instead of getting plastered. Wow. That sounds like so much fun. I took the two complaints and got an idea. I would throw a New Year's Eve party! That way people would come to us, we wouldn't drive so Drek would be happy, I would invite my friend so she wouldn't have to drink, and I would have spend New Year's Eve at an actual party! I texted a list of people from my new, awesome iphone and ten minutes later I had a guest list of ten plus people. Huzzah! I went on to invite another friend whom I was afraid would end up at a bar. He texted back immediately saying he would love to come and he was bringing his vegan girlfriend.

So, the next day (New Year's Eve Eve) I planned vegan and vegetarian hor d'ourves and went shopping for the ingredients. In the end, There were only a few vegan treats, but she turned out to be a vegetarian who eats vegan when convenient, so it was ok. On the menu: Seven layer dip, Chips, Chili cheese dip (vegan), Mini burgers (vegan), Apple pie cups, Pumpkin pie, Chocolate mouse (vegan), virgin strawberry and cherry daiquiris and various snack-y items. I didn't want to buy a lot of sparkling cider and I wasn't sure how many people were coming, so I asked everyone to bring a sparkling drink (we had plenty at midnight!). I loved planning and cooking the vegan stuff. I had so much fun. The best was the chocolate moose, which I made everyone try and guess what was in it. Everyone said they like it, there were a lot of guesses, but no one figured out the main ingredient; Avocados! Giggle giggle. So yummy.

Anyway, Ismael was the first to show up. He said he didn't bring a drink, but he had brought a present for me; The two CD's of Glee songs! Before he arrived I had actually been listening to the songs on Hulu, and he had brought me all the songs and I could listen to them from itunes. Hooray!!! The other guests trickled in (except my friend who inspired the party, she still decided to go out to a bar) including Alexis, back from China! Welcome back! Also there was John, whom I haven't since before he left on a mission to Mexico. We played a lot of games (including some very fun rounds of werewolf. I won every round.) until we began the countdown! By that time everyone had a sparkling drink in a fancy glass goblet and everyone was laughing and joking and creating a load ruckus. At midnight I kissed Drek and clinked glasses with everyone and really had a wonderful time. The party continued on and the last guest left about two. It was an awesome party, my favorite New Year's Eve ever.

Happy New Year and Happy New Decade, everyone!

The Key to Everything is Patience. You Get the Chicken by Hatching the Egg, Not By Smashing It.

In the summer Drek and I took some baby chicks down to his parent's house to they could have fresh eggs. Since then, the family built an amazing chicken coup and the chicks have grown up into egg-laying chickens. Yesterday Drek and I went to visit his parents. No one had collected the eggs that day so Drek and I volunteered. We trudged through the deep snow (and it was still snowing) up to the chicken coup. The chickens were warm and dry inside with their heat lamps and their sturdy built house. We undid the side panel and there, in a little nest, were three eggs nestled together. Apparently all the chickens lay their eggs in the same nest. I was so excited. I'd never collected fresh eggs before! Squee! I can't wait to have chickens of my own!

Anyway, we took them back to the house (they made safely, no small feat in the slippery snow) and Drek's mom said we could keep them! She even gave us three more eggs to take home. One of the eggs was enormous. It was larger than jumbo eggs. We couldn't close the lid on the large egg carton. It looked more like a duck egg, rather than a chicken egg. Apparently some chicken lay double-yolk eggs. We haven't cracked it open yet, but I will keep you updated.

Merry Christmas To All And To All A Goodnight

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Christmas eve was a lot of fun. We went with Drek's family to do the annual trip of sledding behind the van. It was SO MUCH FUN!! I took Mei-mei and she was a pro. I don't think she ever fell off.

It was also Ash's first year but being only three onths old, she just stayed in the van and didn't get any sledding time. I did, though. I got in my sled and we started going and someone in the front of the pack starting throwing snow at all of us behind him and in a few seconds my face wsa the coldest it has ever been, EVER! The next few times I went I made sure I was in the front so that wouldn't happen again. It was so much fun!

Christmas morning Drek, Ash, Acouchi and I woke up and opened out stockings. Acouchi only got food this year, no toys. That was mainly because her present was her toy;


We got Acouchi two fish for Christmas. They are till alive. Acouchi will look at them, but doesn't seem all that interested in eating them.

When we were done with stockings, Drek, Ash and I drove down to my parent's house. On the way was the most amazing sun burst;


You can't really tell from the picture, but there was this glowing pillar of fire under the sun. It was so beautiful.

The rest of Christmas was spent playing eating, openening presents and playing games. We had a wonderful time.

I Don't Care How Poor a Man Is; If He Has Family, He's Rich

Drek and Ash and I just got back from a wonderful family reunion! Drek's family has ten children with five of the ten married and no longer living at home. That makes seventeen adults (including Drek's parents) and seven grandchildren. Drek's parents decided that this year all the siblings should make an effort to get together so they had their first official family reunion. Of the twenty-four people, only four (one family) was missing.

So twenty of us drove up to a cabin in the middle of snow and pine trees and more snow and also snow. There was a lot of snow. The cabin was amazing. It had five bedrooms, each with a full-size bed and a loft with two full-size beds. There were three bathrooms, one on each level, and a hot-tub! There was plenty of room for all of us. Drek and Ash and I had a room all to ourselves! We arrived on Friday and stayed until Monday. We started out the reunion by opening a mission call! Drek's brother is going to the Philippines! He leaves in March. I am so proud of him!

We played a lot of board games (The best way to spend vacations) but we also went out and played in the snow and soaked in the hot tub. We had a family family talent show, family sing-alongs and a family testimony meeting. We played a "How well do you know your partner?" game that was so much fun (Drek and I go second place, first place went to his parents). We ate a lot of yummy food and got to talk to each other a lot.

It was wonderful to be able to spend time together. It will be a while before we have that many people together again; Once brother goes on his mission in March and another brother won't be far behind. That makes it at least two years until we'll all be together again. We a wonderful time and are looking forward to next year!

Don't Panic!

Wednesday I was visiting my sister when Drek called:
"So, the carbon Monoxide alarm just went off." Oh, the thrills. I had Ash with me so she was safe. I drove home, packed Acouchi in her carrier, put her carrier in the car, grabbed her 72 hour kit (yes, I have a 72-hour kit for my cat. It contains dry food, canned food, tuna, a can opener, water, and a collapsible plastic water bowl) and the three of us became refugees (Drek waited at the house for the repair guy to come). Krisling took us in and it was actually fun. I got to see how well prepared I was. It got me thinking about how I would handle other emergencies, like having no water or no power.

Anyway, so as it turns out our water heater was giving off the high levels of carbon monoxide, so they turned off our water heater. No hot water for us. The next morning the guy came to replace it and turns off our water. Just like that my first predication came true. Having no water wasn't a big deal, we have a lot of water in food storage. Drek even made me oatmeal using our water storage. Aw, he is so sweet. Anyway, by noon we had water and a new water heater.

Yesterday we were up visiting Ben's sister. The lights flickered and went dead. The whole city suddenly in a black out. As it turns out, a power station exploded. Huh. So, no power. Prediction number two came true. Maybe I shouldn't think about emergencies anymore.

We were fine. Ben's amazing sister had candles, flashlights and kerosene lamps. I need to get some kerosene lamps. We played Dominion by lamplight. It was so much fun. The power came back on a little while later. We survived with no injuries. Phew!

Thank You

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with gratitude today. I think I'll post some thank-yous.

Thank you to Kara, whose blanket is AMAZING! and warm, and soft, and beautiful. Thank you for the card that came with it. I love you and I miss you.

Thank you to my mom and dad, who are always to willing and cheerful about watching Ash. I'm so glad you love her as much as I do.

Thank you especially to Krisling, who saved my sorry refugee self no less than four times yesterday. Acouchi thanks you too. You are amazing. Thank you for being my friend.

Thank you to Ash, for being the best little baby in the whole wide world.