A Year of No Yelling Day 39 Featuring Edible Mancala Stones

Working out in the morning is really working for us. I get out of the house and interact with adults and get the benefit of a workout, while the girls get outside time, friends, and some gross motor movement. Tabs is sleeping better. 

Today I was able to show love by doing something special with/for each daughter. Right when I was congratulating myself for being such a great mother, Alexa announced she had swallowed a mancala piece and needed to poop in a bag. 

"Ummm... Mancala pieces are nice and smooth. I think we'll risk it. Stop putting things in your mouth. Srsly." 

A Year of No Yelling Day 38 Featuring a Well-Traveled Penny

It was raining today so we skipped our walk outside. It's a good thing we did: After Drek got off to work and Ash got off to school Alexa announced dhe had to go poo-poo,

I wonder if you told teenagers that being a parent means holding open a ziplock back while your three-year-old poops into it, and then going through the poop to look for coins, if that would help drop the rates of teenage pregnancy.

The good news is there was a coin! A penny! Phew!

Despite a crappy start to the day (ha, HA!) the rest of the day went well. I read some books to Alexa, and I ended up taking her on a small date just to show her I love her.

Another successful parenting day!

A Year of No Yelling Day 37 Featuring Conquering by Love and Children's True Identity

Today I listened to to a talk by Elder Lynn G Robbins called The Righteous Judge. He talks a lot about parenting and gives some absolute gems of advice.  He says:

To discipline in the Lord’s way is to lovingly and patiently teach. 

 To effectively teach a child is the very essence of good parenting, and to lovingly discipline is the very essence of being a righteous judge. 

President Joseph F. Smith taught, “If children are defiant and difficult to control, be patient with them until you can conquer by love, … and you can then [mold] their characters as you please.” 

The Doctrine and Covenants gives us this well-known advice on discipline: “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; “By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile— “Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love” (D&C 121:41–43). This scripture teaches us to reprove “when moved upon by the Holy Ghost,” not when moved upon by anger. The Holy Ghost and anger are incompatible because “he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger” (3 Nephi 11:29). 

The Spirit of the Lord is a spirit of kindness; it is a spirit of patience; it is a spirit of charity and love and forbearance and long suffering. … 

Love? Forbearance? Long suffering? Sounds like the job description of a parent.

But my favorite part was the last bit:

 Our Children’s True Identity 

 When the Savior visited the Nephites, He did something extraordinary with the children: 

 “And it came to pass that he did teach and minister unto the children of the multitude … , and he did loose their tongues, and they did speak unto their fathers great and marvelous things. … “… And they both saw and heard these children; yea, even babes did open their mouths and utter marvelous things” (3 Nephi 26:14, 16). 

 Perhaps more than opening the mouths of babes, the Lord was opening the eyes and ears of their astonished parents. Those parents had been granted the extraordinary gift of a glimpse into eternity and of beholding the true identity and premortal stature of their children. Would that not forever change the way the parents saw and treated their children? I like this variation of a quote attributed to Goethe: “The way you see [a child] is the way you treat them, and the way you treat them is [who] they [will] become.” 

To remember a child’s true identity is a gift of foresight that divinely inspires the vision of a righteous judge.

As I listened to this talk it really resonated with me. What I am doing every day, hour after hour, is the most important thing I could do. I can and will do many, many other important things, but this is the MOST important.

Today was a good day! I made it through showing love, and having teaching moments instead of yelling moments.

A Year of No Yelling Day 36 Featuring an Overabundance of Coins

I was irritable today. I tried to keep my temper in check, but there were a few times today when I said snapped back when I should have been kind and understanding.

As we were getting the kids ready for bed I picked Tabs up and laid her on her back to change her diaper. She opened her mouth and inside I saw a coin go to the back of her throat. I quickly turned her over and told her to spit it out. I did a quick finger sweep and out came a dime. Phew!

I finished changing her diaper and got her into pajamas. I went to find Alexa to get her into pajamas, She walked out of her room with a panicked look on her face and said "Mama! I swallowed a quarter!"

Where are all these coins coming from?! Did we harvest our money tree?

I called poison control for the second time in my life (same kid. Huh.) and they said not to panic but to have her poop into a ziplock bag so we could look for the coin. I told this to Drek, who nodded thoughtfully and then said "Yes, Also, I've got a lot of work to do tomorrow. I don't think I'll be home before...um, whenever Alexa goes to bed. A lot of work. Very busy."

Being a parent is so glamorous.

A Year of No Yelling Day 35 Featuring Safety Clauses

Today Alexa ran in front of me and into the parking lot. I yelled her name to get her to stop. I think that falls under the "Yelling in life threatening situations" clause. Her life wasn't in danger, but safety is not to be taken lightly.

In the evening I yelled Tab's name out of exasperation. Which did not fall under any clause. She just knows how to push my buttons.

A Year of No Yelling Day 34 Featuring Regret, Reactions, and Realizations.

Yesterday was a really busy day. I didn't have time to make dinner yesterday so we ate pizza for dinner.

Today I realized that although I don't have the mental clarity and energy I had in November, not eating sugar really has helped my mood.

Today I was irritable. I had no patience. I kept snapping. I didn't lose my temper, but I didn't really keep it, either. I raised my voice out of frustration, something I haven't done in several days. For the past several days when a problem arises, I'm able to stay calm and try different methods to avoid yelling turn the situation into a teaching experience, where my children learn something positive. Today I simply reacted. There was no problem solving, no effort to teach, just the desire to control.

It was just pizza! It wasn't even a case of Thin Mints! It wasn't a dessert, it was just white flour and added sugar. Sigh.

A Year of No Yelling Day 33 Featuring Exercise, Sunshine, and Social Interaction.

In an attempt to gain more energy and mental clarity, I'm going to move on from nutrition and add exercise. After Ash was born I trained for a half marathon and discovered a love of running. I love to be outside, running through space, left alone with my own thoughts. I'm able to process emotions, come up with solutions, and find peace that I keep with me throughout my day. 

The reason I have not been running, or even exercising, is one: children, and two: I don't have energy to exercise, I don't sleep through the night!  It's a catch 22. 

So yesterday and today after dropping Ash off at school, I took Alexa and Tabs out running on our double jogging stroller. It's nothing like when I was training for a half Marathon. First of all, I am not alone. I have two kids with me. Also I'm walking with several other women who also have children. It's not the solace I want, but it's something. It's progress. It's me being outside and getting some sunlight. 

I'm hoping it will help with my mood. As of late, I've been in a depression I can't seem to shake. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Hopefully this will help. 

A Year of No Yelling Day 32 Featuring Progress, Girl Scout Cookies, and Homeless Teenagers

Today is one month since I started the No Yelling Challenge. It's also been one month since I went off sugar (despite a few slip-ups).

I'm feeling good about the No Yelling Challenge. I feel I've made some real progress! I feel I've learned some valuable things. I feel like I've grown as a person and hopefully that will translate into being a better mother. I'm still working on it. I've messed up a lot, but that's ok, I've succeeded a lot too. Progress has been made, and my goal is continue making progress.

I'm not feeling so great about no sugar. Why am I not feeling as awesome as I was in November? If  I don't get all the amazing benefits of no sugar, I'm not really sure it's worth it. Girl Scout Cookie Season has started and I want a Thin Mint! Ok, that was a lie. I don't want a Thin Mint, I would like to eat an entire case of Thin Mints. With milk. So yummy.

Today I left Drek to put the two oldest kids to bed and took Tabs to a church women's activity. We were helping a charity that works with homeless teenagers. We collected clothes, made hats and scarves (I knitted a scarf!) and made lots and lots of burritos. Serving these homeless teenagers made me reflect on how they came to be homeless. It also made me wonder about my precious little children. What if they become homeless teenagers? What choices do they made that the result is being homeless? Is it really their choice? Or the choice of their parents? I'm sure every situation is different and there isn't a simple answer in any situation. But thinking about it did bring me to the oversimplified yet profound conclusion that we need more love. more love for our parents, more love for our children, more love for ourselves. We need more love for strangers and more love for those around us. It won't solve homelessness, but it would make the world a better place.

A Year of No Yelling Day 31 Featuring Hair Bands, Looking for the Good, and Positive Reinforcement.

Another day with no yelling! I think I am improving!

I read about the rubber band method of parenting and today I wore several hair bands on my wrist. I looked for Alexis and Ash doing good. Whenever I observed them listening, playing well together, cleaning up a mess, serving others, saying something nice...any act that is good, I praised them. The ideas is positive reinforcement.  Whenever I praised them, I moved a hair band to the other wrist. My task was to get all the hair bands to my other wrist.

This is positive reinforcement for the children, which has been shown to be a powerful learning tool. This is also me looking for the good in my kids. When I look for good, I see good! I focus on the good and suddenly my outlook is positive and optimistic instead of stuck in a hole.

I completed my task: it was actually quite easy to find my children doing good. My kids really are great kids. I liked doing this today. I will try again tomorrow!

A Year of No Yelling Day 30 Featuring Sleeping Myths and Relationships

Tabs is seventeen months old today.

I think "children sleeping through the night" is a myth. Does ANYONE have children that sleep through the night every night?  Sometimes we might go a few days 2/3 of our kids sleeping through the night. Maybe even a whole week. But even our seven year old has nightmares and turns on her light at 1am to read for a few hours.

Thanks to Drek taking Tabs at night, she no longer wakes up at 2 am thinking it's morning. She sleeps for several long hours, waking at 3, or sometimes even 4am. She cries to be fed, but Drek won't give her to me (and I won't take her) until 5am. Sometimes she cried continually, sometimes she dozes for twenty minutes before crying sessions.

One time she slept until 6am. How do we get that again?

But today went well despite the lack of a solid block of sleep. I'm focusing on relationships: everyday I try to do something to build a relationship with each member of my family. Today they were small things: A back rub, a short but sweet conversation, lots of kisses and snuggles. The more they feel I love them, the better they will listen to me and the more I will hesitate to yell. That's the theory anyway.

A Year of No Yelling Day 29 Featuring Questions

My kids are really great kids. They are creative, intelligent, funny and endlessly entertaining. They all love to learn and want to experience life to the fullest. I am so grateful for them and the joy they bring me.

I had a short tempter today. I don't think I yelled, but sometimes I am confused as to what counts as yelling. I did raise my voice, but that was to talk over loud commotion, not in anger. I did lose my temper a few times, but instead of yelling I threw a small tantrum, does that count?

Sometimes in my mind I conjure up mother who never raises her voice above a certain decibel and has perfect self control. She is always acts warmly and considered the lesson that needs taught over the incessant situation. Sometimes I wasn't to be that mother, and other times I question soberness of that women - is she chronically on pot?

Does living a life with no yelling equal a life without passion?

A Year of No Yelling Day 28 Featuring Some Eerie Foreshadowing

Some days you just can't yell, so you laugh instead.

I'm running on little sleep and frustration that my no-sugar efforts have thus far gone unrewarded. Where is my mental clarity? Where is my extra energy? Where is my memory? I've bee depriving myself of brownies and ice cream for twenty eight days now, I better see some increased patience, dangit!

Today was a super busy day with a big family trip. Those always seem like such good ideas in theory, but when you finally finish and get back in the car you wonder if all those wonderful childhood memories are really worth all the effort. Still, the kids did have fun and I got a lot of pictures, so we'll call it was a memory building experience for the kids and a character building experience for parents.

We drove the hour back and stopped at the church. Inside the bathroom we changed into church clothes and attended a baptism. Drek wrote about the event later:

Our daughter managed to get her head stuck in a chair for a couple minutes, but the speaker pretended not to notice and bravely soldiered on with his talk while I yanked on my daughter's head and my wife pulled on the chair. We finally managed to extract her head from the chair and the baptism proceeded as planned. My memories from my own mission are that Satan really comes down hard as a baptism approaches, but that was just petty. We'll see if  [the man getting baptized] is still friends with us this afternoon. Ironically, mere hours earlier, my wife had been describing a scene from "Waiting for Snow in Havana" where the author also got his head stuck in a pew when he was a little boy, during their Catholic mass. It's nice to see that public embarrassment spans all religions and ethnicities and is one more thing we have in common.

A Year of No Yelling Day 27 Featuring a Girl Scout trip, a Grocery Shopping Adventure, and a Potluck Dance Party

I'm considering today one giant leap forward.

First off, it was a stressful day from sunrise to well after sunset. A lot needed to get done and the schedule was packed.

Second, I had children coming out of my ears today. Today was a Girl Scout field trip so in addition to my three, I had nine extra children, all of which seem to have ten times the energy I have with have the attention span.  At one point with the Girl Scouts I became frustrated but instead of yelling my voice dropped to a whisper. I didn't even have to think about it before hand, it was just a reaction. THAT IS HUGE!!

After Girl Scouts ended I spent several hours babysitting more children while I still had things to accomplish, including grocery shopping. While grocery shopping with five small children I was not only able to get a chaotic and disruptive situation under control quickly, I did it by explaining my expectations in a whisper. The kids responded so well that I bought them cheetos as a reward. Not as a bribe, or as a way to control them, but because not only met but also exceeded the expectations I laid out for them and I wanted to spontaneously reward good behavior.

Third, it was a really late night. We had a church potluck and dance party and stayed there dancing until a full hour past the children's bedtime. By the time we got them in the car, two out of three were crying. Drek and I chose to see the humour, and joined in the cacophony, encouraging our oldest to contribute. We all howled in harmony. The family that cries together . . . um, avoids yelling?

A Year of No Yelling Day 26 Featuring Bendable Cards and Snap Reactions

After picking up Ash from school today I took all three girls grocery shopping. In anticipation of this always stressful event (kids and grocery shopping do not mix well) I gave myself a pep-talks and announced more than once that Today Is A No Yelling Day.

After getting all three kids out of the car and into the cart I made sure I had my card, which Alexa immediately asked to hold. I handed it to her, she took it, then bent it in half.

"NO!" I yelled, snatching it away. Sigh. Deep breathe. "Alexa, I'm sorry I yelled. I was afraid the card would break. If the card breaks, we can't get food today. Please don't bed cards."

Alexa nodded. I reached back in the car and grabbed another card, which is one of those useless reward cards from random business that I seem to accumulate despite my efforts to the contrary. "This one you can keep." I said.

Happy child, lesson learned, disaster averted. So how to I get my snap reactions to align with my goals?

A Year of No Yelling Day 25 Featuring Lunar New Year, Lion Dancers, and Librarians

I made it another day without yelling, but I did lose a child today.

We went to a Lunar New Year celebration at a library. It was an awesome event that ended in the Chinese New Year Lions coming in and dancing. The kids loved it and so did I.

Space was limited. All the chairs were claimed, so the kids were sitting on the floor in front to see. I sat with Alexa for a while, but then was told to move to make room for the lion dancers. I put Alexa in a good spot, then moved to the side so I could watch the dace. A few minutes later I saw a librarian approach Drek, and both of them moved quickly to the back.

I knew exactly what had happened. I jumped up and followed them back to a tearful Alexa, who had gone looking for me and ended up lost and crying, only to be found by a kind mother who brought her to the librarian. Thankfully, the librarian associated Drek with Alexa and was able to find him.

So, a successful day at goal keeping, not so successful in parenting.

A Year of No Yelling Day 24 Featuring Baby Poop

I was successful today! No yelling and I spent some quality time with each of my wonderful kids.

Tabs is just starting out with potty training and today we had a poopy accident. I took her to the tub and washed off her little bum-bum. Alexa came to see what I was doing and gasped.

"Mama! You are touching baby poop!"

"Yep. I'm cleaning Tabs up."

"But you are TOUCHING the baby poop."

"Yep."

"Why?"

I sighed. "Because that's what's mama's do."

"Mama's touch baby poop?!" And she broke into laughter which ended in her chanting "Mama's touch baby poop, Mama's touch baby poop." Over and over around the house.

What has led me this to this? Sigh.

A Year of No Yelling Day 23 Featuring the All Knowing Glenda The Good Witch and Choose Love

I had a great start to the day. I woke up after sleeping all night (!) and had energy. I'm almost recovered from my sickness. I can face the day!

I started out by announcing aloud today would be ano-yelling, no-sugar day. This is when I noticed my voice was half-gone. Huh. A horse voice might make yelling difficult. How promising.

Next, I snuggled with Alexa. I gave her a back rub and lots of kisses. I held Ash's hand during family scriptures.

After Ash was off to school, Drek was off to work and Tabs was down for her nap Alexa and I played "Wizard of Oz", her favorite game. She was Glenda, I was Dorothy.  In the middle of it she announced to me "I know ALL, Mama. The whole world. I know all. She might have been in character, but I don't think so.

Several stressful situation arose today, but I am happy to report I whispered through every one of them. I thought, for one exciting second, that whispering instead of yelling was becoming a habit, but then I realized it was more likely that my horse voice just makes is seem that way.

So whispering might not be a habit yet, but I'll get there. I did use every situation today as a teaching moment, and I am proud of myself. I did some good parenting today.

I'm ever more proud of myself because at about noon, I was hit with depression. Not sure why, but there it was. I still kept my cool and had some great teaching moments.

I came across this article with steps to take when trying to stop the habit of yelling. There were two steps I really loved: The first one is "Realize that your #1 job as a parent (after safety) is to manage your own emotions."
That struck truth with me. I really think that if I can manage my own emotions and can communicate clearly and effectively that my kids will too just because kids are such good mimics.

The second one is "Find your own wisdom. . . . imagine there's an angel on your shoulder who sees things objectively and wants what's best for everyone in the situation. This is your own personal parenting coach. What does she say? Can she give you a mantra to see things differently, like:  "Choose love.""

I love it. "Choose love." I'm going to make that my mantra.

A Year of No Yelling Day 22 Featuring Shoes

Today I am recovering from my sickness. I felt better today but wanted to rest. I spent all day in my pajamas.

 I realize that because this blog is about me yelling I'm only sharing negative experiences with my children. The whole picture would show that my kids are awesome people. This morning I had a chance to hang out with my two oldest daughters. They are smart, funny and I love being around them.

In the afternoon Drek took the two oldest to church while Tabs and I stayed home. Tabs was all over me today. She wanted to be on my lap touching me all day. It was a lot, but we got through it. We played a few games and i taught her the sign for "shoes".

We had a delightful dinner and some behavioral issues after dinner, but I remained calm and loving and everything went great. A successful day. Too bad all days can't be pajama days.

A Year of No Yelling Day 21 Featuring Our Local Women's March

Yeah, this is pneumonia.

But who has time for recovery? Drek took the kids this morning while I got in an morning nap. As soon as they came home I dressed the girls as warmly as I could and we all hopped back in the car to attend the our local Million Women March.

It was awesome. Although I agreed with the values of the organizers, I was afraid the actual people would turn it into an angry protest. That morning Drek and I reconsidered attending because the news was reporting as an Anti-Trump march, which was not our intention. However, after thinking back to what I knew of the early women's movement I came to the conclusion that it has never been completely unified, and that everyone there would have their own reasons for being there, that everyone would have different issues, and that is ok. Women are people. People are all different, unique and beautiful. It would be just fine if I didn't agree with everyone there, just as long as everyone there has a peaceful intention.

The people there were amazing. They were welcoming, inclusive, accepting,  cheerful, hopeful and peaceful. The atmosphere was that of togetherness and optimism. The girls and I joined in a march with a flood of people. There was such a range of people: lots of children, baby carries and strollers, lots of grandmas, different cultures, different races, different religions. There were hundreds of different signs supporting various causes, just as there were thousands of different people supporting various beliefs. But everyone came together to stand together, to support each other, and to help each other.

I was really excited to be apart of such a huge and diverse crowd. I was thrilled to have my girls be a part of that. As I looked at the different signs marching with us ("Love not hate makes America great", "together in peace" and "love trumps hate") I thought how important it is that I send those messages to my children everyday. I need to teach them peace, love, and cooperation. I can't do that with yelling. Marching in a rally is fun and exciting, but my children will learn more from my everyday actions than a few clever signs.

We got home and I immediately collapsed on the bed. I need sleep.

A Year of No Yelling Day 20 - Featuring Verbal Abuse and Outdoor Screaming

The tickle in my throat has moved down into my chest. What is this? A chest cold? I hope it's not pneumonia again.

Today I was tired and cranky. A storm hit and it rained buckets all day. I just wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep. But of course I had things to do, places to go and children to care for. 

I crossed a line today. So far this year, when I've yelled, the mistake has been the volume of my voice. I'll say a child's name, or the word "no!", which is just fine to say, just not that loud. Today I said something that was both an inappropriate volume and had inappropriate content 

Along with my kids, I babysat two other kids today. I took them to the library so they could play in our library's awesome playroom and read some books. After spending an hour we rushed across the parking lot in the pouring rain with me encouraging everyone to quickly get in the car. The kids ran to one side of the van while I ran to the other. I put Tabs in her carseat and looked over to make sure the kids were getting in the van. What I saw made my blood boil: Ash had gotten in the van, sat in the captain's chair, and had her legs stretched out to the back of the front seat, blocking the three other girls from getting the van. They stood outside in the rain, getting drenched. 

"Ash!" I screamed. "Let them in right now. What in the world is wrong with you?! I have never seen anything so selfish. I should throw you out in the rain and make you walk home." 

Yeah, I know. Horrible. She's just seven years old. In that moment she needed to be taught that her actions were unacceptable. She needed to be taught that while she thought she was being funny, what was really happening was 3 small children were stuck in the rain and cold. She wasn't thinking of others when she needed to put them first.  She needed her point of view to be shifted and the consequences of her actions explained. 

Instead, all that happened was that she was verbally attacked. She won't remember any valuable lesson or perspective shift. If I'm lucky, she'll remember that her mother lost her temper. If not, She'll remember that she is selfish. 

As I drove home, mulling over my appalling behavior, I can see why yelling just produces more bad behavior. If she learned the lesson that she was selfish, she will start to act selfish. A terrible cycle I started. 

When we got home, the girls got into an argument that resulted in Alexa letting out a shrill scream. Instead of reacting with anger, I calmly told Alexa that she could not scream inside, and to please go scream outside. She paused, and I pointed to the door. She went out the front door, screamed again, then came back inside. Three minutes later she scremaed again and I calmly repeated myself. This time she just opened the front door, leaned out, and gave a half-hearted scream before closing the door and coming back inside. She played well the rest of the day. 

So on the one had, horrible fail. On the other, a small victory.