Saturday, January 02, 2010

So Come What May

So, here were my 2009 goals. Let's see how many of them I completed, shall we?

-Write in my gratitude journal everyday, right before I get out of bed in the morning. If I do, I will be grateful for more things!

At the beginning of the year I did great. I did great right up until the time I found out I was pregnant, and all writing stopped. Pregnancy was hard for me. The emotional part really did me in. I stopped writing in my gratitude journal because my emotions were so very intense and so very conflicting.

-Index 1,000 documents. If I do, I get to find and book a trip to Ireland to find my family history.

Hah! I forgot I set that as a goal. Whoops.

-Run a Marathon. So, train for a fast 5k, then train for a 10K, then train for a marathon. If I do, I will be really proud of myself.

Yeah. Pregnant.

-Work on Spanish everyday. If I do, Drek and I are going to spend May 5th in Mexico, speaking with the locals

I didn't work on it everyday, but I did work on it. Ever since August I've done great working Spanish. Alas, May 5th came with the Swine Flu and dangerous gang violence in Mexico, so Drek and I had no desire to travel.

-Have enough money saved for a down payment on a house. If I do, we can put a down payment on a house (some of these rewards are really easy to come up with).

Um...actually I think we did okay on this one. Considering the housing market had continued to plummet, and 2010 is supposed to be when the next housing bubble pops, I suppose that $10 we saved up will be more than enough for a down payment! Actually, we saved quite a bit. It might be a while before we get a house, though, so we'll have to wait and see whether it's enough.

Side notes:
Travel more. You only live once.
I hate the cold. I hate it. Next winter, I will not be here. I am moving even if it kills me, and if it kills me at least I will be warm.

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! This is the one I failed. FAILED! Where did I travel to? Well, actually, I went on an awesome spontaneous trip to St. George, and we went to Idaho quite a few times. It's not Egypt, but it is something. But I am, in fact, still here and not dead. I am spending another winter here. It's okay, though. I think can accept this and be positive about it.

2009 was, in some ways, the hardest year of my life. I am very grateful for 2009; For all it taught me and for all it gave me. Here is my very long and personal review;

At this time last year, I was pregnant and didn't even know it. On January 19th, I got my first positive on a pregnancy test. Even though Drek and I had been trying for a baby, I didn't actually think I could make one. Is that weird? I didn't think my body was capable of making a baby. It had never done anything spectacular before so why would it start now? Once I found out my body did, in fact, make a baby, I didn't think believe it could GROW a baby. After all, it didn't even tell me it was pregnant. I felt betrayed that I had to find out from a stick and not from my self. There was no way my body could grow a baby. No self confidence here. Thus, my reaction wasn't positive or negative, it was more of a "meh, I'll believe it when I see it."

The emotional ride kicked in right away. Almost instantly life became a crisis and I lost all ability to handle situations without getting very emotional. I took everything personally and over reacted to everything. This was very hard for me. I could see that I was crazy, but I couldn't do anything to stop it. For the first three months I also couldn't tell anyone why I was crazy, or why I was so very, very sick.

Drek and I started looking for a new apartment right away, a place with a washer and a dryer so I could cloth diaper, a place with room for the baby, and a place with a kitchen that didn't make me throw up every time I walked through it. We found such a place and I proceeded to pack and move the entire house, by myself, while pregnant and also freakishly sick. Kara left. I was also working full time.

I was in a car accident. I was mostly fine, but I began to cramp and bleed a little and I worried that I had hurt the baby. I called my OBGYN who told me there was nothing to be done so early in the pregnancy and I should come in when I was twelve weeks along. I didn't. I never went to that OBGYN.

Also during this time we found I my dad had cancer. Three, cancers, actually, two curable with chemo, and one not curable. My dad went on for treatment, had a terrible and near-fatal reaction and spent a while in the hospital not knowing who I was.

It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I was stressed up to my eyeballs still throwing up everyday. I learned how to trust in God to get me through the day. Drek was wonderful and we made it through. Life continued on.

We settled in to our new home, bought a washer and dryer and started planning the birth of our baby. I also started planning how I would announce my pregnancy. I decided to have a Pie Day Party and announce it there. After much planning, a lot of working around people's schedules and a lot of stress, everyone decided not to come to Pie Day. I shouldn't say everyone, Ismael was still coming, but no family. I was devastated. Because I was pregnant I took it very personally and overreacted. I felt isolated and alone. No one cared I was pregnant, no one was excited for the baby, and no one would be able to help out. Those feelings defined the rest of my pregnancy.

That was in March. Also in March I began to show. You would think strangers are more friendly to pregnant women, but I did not find this to be the case. I found people to be a lot meaner. I got a lot of dirty looks, especially once I was six months pregnant and carrying around my nine month old niece. I got out right glares at that point. It only worsened my feelings of isolation. As a result, I turned to my cat, Acouchi, who has gotten me through the worst times in my life. She always takes care of me.

April came with a lot of improvements. My morning sickness went away, my dad was doing better, Drek got me tickets to see Wicked, Jessi came to visit and I was spending a lot of time with Krisling now that we lived four minutes apart. At the end of April we found out Acouchi had hypothyroidism and thus began a very long and emotion saga that still isn't over.

May started with Rissy leaving for Japan and me deciding that I couldn't succumb to the overwhelming feelings of dependency I was feeling. I made a huge effort to become entirely independent. Who cares if I was pregnant? I could still stay out all night, lay sod, volunteer at the cannery, learn to bake, and still have a career. Once I established in my mind that being pregnant did not, in fact, equal uselessness, a drain on society and a waste of space, I felt much better about the whole thing. The snow had melted, the sun came out, and things were improving.

In June I took Acouchi in for her RIT treatment. She was gone for two weeks. I guess you could call this the breaking point. With my emotions in overdrive and my baby gone I fell into a deep depression. I took on a few projects to pull myself out of it and Drek and I set off for Durango Colorado for a family reunion. I had a good time despite my anxiety and complete lack of self confidence. I was still very shy and apologetic about being pregnant because I still felt that it wouldn't last, that I would miscarry.

We came home and so did Acouchi. She was happy, and getting healthy. My dad finished his chemo. I spent a lot of time with Krisling. Drek and I started a garden. I began to trust my body and believe (and hope) that I would actually have a baby. Everything in my life seemed to be improving, except work, which was getting worse. It got to be so bad that even though I loved my manager, my co-workers, and my job with all my heart, I could not stand the thought of working for/with my boss one more minute. I tried to quit (unsuccessfully) twice before finally making up my mind, calling up my courage, believing in myself enough to start a business and finally giving my notice.

July was wonderful. I gave up shampoo, Drek and I celebrated our two year marriage anniversary, Krisling was helping enter the society of mommies, I was enjoying summer, and best of all, I found out my sister and my sister in law was pregnant. Suddenly, I didn't feel like such an outcast. I had my last day of work (after working two years, the longest I have ever stayed at one job) and officially started my own business.

August was even better. Rissy was back from Japan and we spent a lot of time together before she left on her mission. I was privileged to take care of Drek's nine month old niece for a few weeks and I absolutely fell in love with her. She taught me so much and helped me feel more prepared for parenthood. Another sister-in-law became pregnant, giving my baby the opportunity to have wonderful cousins, just like I do.

September changed my life forever. My business became successful, My dad's two cancers were declared cured, Rissy left on her mission, and I had a baby. Labor was AWESOME. It is the only word I can think off to describe it. I really learned how to trust myself, my body and my instincts. You know what? My body is amazing. God really knew what he was doing. I finally got to meet the tiny person I had been carrying around for nine months. She was and is perfect. I love being her mom. I loved it from day one.

If I thought pregnancy emotions were bad, after-pregnancy emotions are horrendous. My midwife wasn't kidding when she said the third day would be hard. Between that, no sleep, and an inability to feed my new daughter, I broke down and cried. I cried for the first time in years. I cried and cried and cried. Poor Drek. He had to deal with so much. Even so, right away he became an amazing dad on top of being an amazing husband.

After that things were pretty much wonderful. Life continued on. My emotions returned back to the point were I can now handle life. The year ended with a few more trials, but mostly good and wonderful things. I made our Halloween costumes, I won NaNoWriMo, I met my new nephew, Josiah and got to take care of his sister again for a few days. I successfully cooked a dinner for twenty-four people, my sister had a beautiful baby girl and I even got to hold her. I stopped eating fish and bumped my vegetarianism up a level. I potty-trained Acouchi. I ended the year with a fantastic party.

2009 gave me a purpose in life. Because of 2009 I have confidence in myself and, more importantly, I learned how to rely on and trust in God. I am so grateful for everything that happened this last year. I learned and grew so much. I am looking forward to what 2010 has to offer. Here are my goals;

-Speak Fluent Spanish.
A goal three years and counting.

-Run a Marathon.
It doesn't even have to be an official event. If I have to run alongside the freeway with nothing but myself to cheer me on, I will run a marathon.

-Write a Novel, Edit a Novel and Publish a Novel.
I may have finished NaNoWriMo, but I didn't finish my novel. I will finish it, I will edit, and then I will get it published.

I think I will also add write in my gratitude journal everyday and index 1,000 documents. Those were good goals from last year that I know I can do this year.

Happy 2010!

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