The fleas are all gone. Gone from the house, gone from the porch, and best of all: gone from Acouchi.

She is so much better. SO much better. She cuddles, she purrs, she runs, she chases, she climbs, she eats, she drinks...she's so much better. She's back to her normal self. I am so much better now too.

Her blood tests came back: Her kidneys are just fine, but her vet wants a urine sample, just to be sure ($40). Acouchi's bilirubin levels are high, which means liver problems, so the vet wants to do an ultrasound ($350) to see what's up. It might be liver cancer, but more likely it's just damage from her thyroid, so if we fix the thyroid, her liver will fix itself. Her thyroid level is 17. That's bad. The vet wants to do a Thyroid scan ($395) to get a more detailed picture of her thyroid problem. All this, keep in mind, is just tests: not a cure. The cure is another RIT treatment ($3,500), which will leave her radioactive, and unable to live with us for a month since we have a toddler, and our apartment is too small for the minimum quarantine. That means thirty days of boarding her at an animal hospital and on top of all that, there will be a lot more blood tests and check-ups. Combined, it's $5,000 minimum.

I can make excuses, I can give reasons, I can show you our budget and recite the animal heath care crisis in America today, but the bottom line is this: We can't do it. Period. We can't do anything close to that. Even if we skip the tests and go straight to the treatment, even if we do board her for free. It's just not possible.

How do I deal with that? Right now: Acouchi is happy. She's not in pain, she's having fun, and life is good (it could be better if she was healthy but...). Eventually, though, this problem will kill her. It could be in ten tears, it could be next year. But when she dies, whenever that is, I will know that I could have saved her. Can I live with that? Will I look back and curse myself for not strapping a toddler to my back and walking into businesses with my massage table (illegally, because I'm not licenced in this state). Will I wish I had sold...um...I own nothing that is worth that much. I don't think all my possessions combined are worth that much. Wishing I had sold...my blood? Over and over again to earn the money? Actually, they won't buy my blood so it's a moot point.

Does anyone have any other ideas? Anything I haven't thought of? Should I just let it go? Accept that she is just an animal, and animals die? What do I do?