Saturday, December 16, 2006

Don't pay any attention. It' just the depression talking

I can't fix anything, you know. Like someone once told me, I can't even save myself.

I missed Aneeka's Birthday. I told myself a million times not to forget it. Last night I realized it had been last week.

Last night I dreamed I was drinking blood and it made my throat sore. Now I have sore throat.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time in the rain. And then the rain turned to snow. I wasn't cold.

I knew him, you know. I had the privilege of spending a few days with him. He was really funny. A genuinly nice person. And now I can't so anything. I can't even admit that I'll be devastated when he dies, that I'm devastated now, because who cares about the ex-girlfriend, right? Anything I do will just make the situation a million times worse. I can't fix anything. I can't even fix myself.


  1. I think if you talked with your friends, you'd find that you're ALWAYS fixing things. Giving rides to people who don't have a car? Fixing a problem. Bring food to a hungry guy at work? Fixing a problem. Just listening to people who have problems you can't directly solve? You're fixing a problem just by doing that.

    Maybe you meant to say you can't fix EVERYTHING. That's certainly true. No one can, it's impossible. And no one should try--that's the shortcut to frustration and depression.

    You fix what you can, get help on what you can't, and if that still isn't enough, you just. don't. worry. about it. Why bother? Just shrug philosophically and try to think in an eternal sense.

    ...if anything you do will make things "a million times worse," than you're doing the right thing doing nothing--although there's always prayer as a fallback, if not for him, than for your peace of mind.

    And I think he'll understand, if not now, than very shortly. And your ex-boyfriend, even if it takes him longer to understand, he will eventually too. Time solves a lot of problems, and sometimes that's the only solution.

    And about Aneeka's birthday, I completely forgot too--curse finals. We'll give her a week-or-two-late birthday, and it'll be all the better because it's unexpected. Just don't ask me to play Settlers of Catan.

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  3. Kayla, you are my favorite person in the world. I'm serious. No matter what some people (including you) may think at the moment, you're an awesome, awesome person, and an amazing friend. Even if we don't get to hang out too often, I'm glad just to know you.

    I wish there was some way to give more meaningful, tangible hugs across the internet...oh well, this will have to do.



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