Wednesday, January 04, 2012

The Truth Is... I am a Member of a Joint NSA CIA Black Ops Team that is Stationed Here in Burbank. I Have a Level 6 Clearance and My Code Name is Charles Carmichael. I'm a Spy, Buddy

Is there anyone, in the entire United States, that lives somewhere where only mail addressed to them is delivered?  It seems like everywhere I have lived, more mail is delivered addressed to non current residents than mail addressed to actual current residents of the house.

This house is no exception. We get a lot of mail for other people. I've gone through all the standard channels: marking it and putting it back into the mailbox, actually calling the post office, but the mail keeps coming.

Today UPS delivered a package for a Steve Smith to our door. I found it so odd: I can see USPS mail coming to us but a hand-delivered package to our doorstep marked "Time Sensitive Material?" This wasn't someone forgetting to change an address in some database, this was was someone ordering something off the internet and specifically shipping it to my house.

Right under the name was a phone number to reach Steve Smith. I glanced over the package but no where was there a number to call UPS. What was I supposed to do? Leave the package in my mailbox? It wasn't USPS's problem.

I sighed and dialed Steve Smith's number, hoping he would tell me he'd have UPS come back and pick it up. Besides, that way I could ask him why he used my address.

But what would I say? Was the phone number even real? Would he answer? Would his secretary answer? What if his wife answered and he had mistaken my address for his mistress' address and I was about to be caught in the middle of a very messy ordeal?

I decided I would act very business-like and ask for a Mr. Steve Smith. I would inform them that I was in possession of a package and ask the best way to return it to him. That sounded good. I dialed the number.

The phone rang a few times and then a familiar voice picked up the phone. "Hello, my love." It said.

I paused.



"Is this your phone number?"

"This is my google number."

"Oh. Uh... do you know why we just got a package from UPS to a Mr. Steve Smith?"

"Yes. That's a name I use online sometimes for odd websites."

"Oh. Well, you package arrived."

"Great! Thanks!"

", you have an alias and a secret phone number?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Oh....are you a spy?"

"I can't tell you that."


So, case solved. Now if only I could figure out to stop getting credit card offers for Michael Samor, that would be great.


  1. Ha! I knew it, he always was up to clever secret plots.

    Seriously though, that's hilarious :)

  2. We got a lot of non-resident mail in Utah, when I asked about it at the P.O. they said if I return it to them they just throw it away (or send it to the dead-letter office), so I saved them the trouble. I threw it all away. I figured if the previous resident didn't take the time to file a change of address and notify pertinent business that they had moved I wasn't going to waste my time processing their mail. Most of it is junk anyway. Fun story though!


If, in your comment, you do not use code names as I do in my blog, I will edit your comment before I post it.