Spoiler Alert, You Have Been Warned

Dear Catherine Hardwicke,
Your movie was gorgeous. The filming, the special effects, the people: Gorgeous.

Dear Melissa Rosenberg,
?????
Did you miss somewhere that this movie was for young girls ages twelve to eighteen? Why all the adult content? There was no reason for it AT ALL.

Dear Kristen Stewart,
Congratulations; you did such a good job on the movie, and portrayed Bella Swan so well, that my loathing of Book-Bella became loathing of you. JUST TALK!! Stop biting your lip, stop stammering, stop breathing in-between words. STOP STALLING! I think you averaged one word every twenty minutes. Please move the story along instead of holding up the plot just like Book-Bella. So I suppose this was to more Bella, than to Kristen. Except for this next part, this is for Kristen: KEEP YOUR FREAKING PANTS ON. Whore.

Dear Robert Pattinson,
Stop. Moving. I get that it was a low budget film, and no one really focused on moving like a vampire, and that vampires do move to look more human, but please, please, stop fidgeting. Stop squirming, stop moving for two seconds, and for those two seconds you would be Edward. Still, you did a great job. You are now what I envision when I envision Edward, except more dressed how you were at the end of the movie rather than how you were dressed for the rest of the movie. Who did your wardrobe?
Anyway, That one scene where you drive off in the car, and you are so mad, and you want Bella to talk you out of turning around and ripping those guys into pieces; that was well done. I think it was my favorite part of the movie. You did great. I look forward to seeing in more movies.

Dear Taylor Lautner,
You have come such a long way from Sharkboy. Dressed up at Jacob, you made me, a die hard Team Edward, convert to Team Jacob, even it was only for a few seconds. On behalf of the females who will watch this movie, thank you.

Dear Jackson Rathbone
Wow. Book-Jasper is very vague, no one really remembers him from the first book. Everyone will remember you. You are now Jasper. Good job. Also, I love your hair.

Dear Peter Facinelli,
Fire whoever did your makeup. Seriously, I was so afraid for your life when you walked on camera. You were supposed to be a Vampire, not an anemic ghost who had just been splashed with bleach. But you made up for it, I loved movie-Carlisle just as much as I loved book-Carlisle

Dear Billy Burk,
Bravo.

Dear Soundtrack Person,
Why can't I find your name anywhere? Is is because you are Stephanie Meyer? In any case, you are a GENIUS. And I love you.

Dear Stephanie Meyer,
Your cameo was lame.