Friday, November 16, 2012

May I Point Out That You've Completely Demolished the Roof of My Car! And There is Very Little Difference Between the Blizzard Out There and the Blizzard In Here

When our house was built they used the cheapest (and thinnest) possible windows. So thin, and so cheap, that they are illegal today. Our windows do nothing for heat, cold, or sound.

When we moved in, our bedroom window was cracked, and it went on our "to fix up" list. Mostly it's been on the bottom of the list, because the window is so thin anyway, it really doesn't matter if it's cracked.

Changing topics: Drek I have lived next to roosters before and it was fine. We actually liked being woken up at seven in the morning by a cheerful rooster. It made us feel all farm-y. Currently, the neighbors to our side own a rooster, but that one only crows sometimes, always during the day.

But then there is THAT rooster. He crows all. Freaking. Day. It's not a cheerful crow either; He sounds like he's being strangled. He belongs to our backyard neighbors. Yeah, remember her? This rooster has a name. I don't know what it is. I don't care. She LOVES this rooster. She is sure this rooster will win her a blue ribbon at the county fair in June. That is why she has him.

I hate this rooster. He crows starting at 2:40 in the very early morning and crows an average of five times per minute until about six in the afternoon, when he finally goes to bed. You can hear him from every single room in our house.

In the summer, we dealt with this by putting fans next to each of our heads during the night, so that the noise of the fan would drown out the noise of that rooster. That worked very well. But now it is too cold to use fans. It was a temporary solution anyway, as once the baby comes we will need to hear any movement or changes in breathing, and any white noise could be dangerous.

Last week, when that rooster woke me up (yet again) before the sun was up and I was unable to go back to sleep, I came up with an idea.

Hey! How about I use my paycheck monies to replace our cracked, cheap, thin windows with thick, heavy soundproof windows?!

Several hours later, once the sun came up and companies opened, I called around and got three guys to come over and give me quotes. They tried to tell me about energy efficiency, but I replied with something like: "Uh-huh. Sure. But what about noise? Will it silence THAT noise?"

They could hear it. That rooster never shuts up.

The answer: "No question that a new window, ANY new window will help with the noise level. They don't even make windows that thin and cheap anymore. But yes, with some dual paned, heavy duty windows (that come with a very high price tag), you will be able to sleep at night."

They will be installed in two weeks. Hooray! But, sadly, I can't afford to put these new windows in every room of the house. Not that it would help; the experts told me that since the other bedroom windows face the rooster, no windows will silence the direct sound waves.

Lying awake night after night, Drek and I have come up with a few imaginative solutions.
- A shock collar
- A high pitched alarm that hurts the rooster’s ears that is activated for a few seconds every time he crows
- Obedience school
- Vocal cord removal surgery
- Injecting the rooster with laryngitis
- A soundproof rooster house
- Blinding the rooster, so he thinks it's always night
- Attaching a blinding light to a rooster cage, so he thinks it's always day, crows non-stop, then looses his voice.

Mostly I'm hoping for a daring Coyote. Or a chicken thief to come and decide that a rooster would make a mighty fine Thanksgiving dinner.

Any other ideas?


  1. Earplugs? These ones are good:

    Failing that you always can, you know, shoot it -- if it's visible from any point outside.

    Or buy a ferret and let it in the neighbor's yard.

  2. Drive the rooster insane, or if that's too inhumane, devise a punishment for each time it crows. Perhaps squirting it with water? Earplugs would be an idea, but wouldn't help once the baby comes.

    Have you spoken to your neighbor about this?

  3. Shoot the damn thing. Also there has to be some kind of noise ordinance. Our dog got reported to the cops all the time when I was growing up and we had to get rid of it after the 3rd time or the cops would take it away. Report the chicken and the cops will serve her with an anonymous SHUT THE STUPID THING UP order.

  4. Giggle giggle.
    First, zone wise, our house is "out in the country" so there is no noise ordnance, or restrictions on animals (except cows. We can't have a pet cow).

    As for talking to the neighbors, the other morning/night, while I was awake, I wrote a very strongly worded email to our neigbors. When Drek got up, he read it and said "no. We are not sending that." Since their rooster is right on our fence line, it's actually way closer to our house than theirs. And since they are at work all day, it's very possible they don't realize the problem. So we sent polite texts message inquiring after the rooster, and the next step is to politely bring up that we are having difficulties with the rooster. We'll see where that gets us. If that doesn't work...Step 5 is sending the email.

  5. I laughed when I read your title. I thought, what? K-La is eating meat now? You know you might just be tempted if that rooster gets any more annoying.

    They probably know it makes noise...hence the pen out at the far end of their property!

  6. Have you considered very thick curtains? Cloth can be pretty good at muting sound.


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